Friday, November 14, 2014

Dizzy

My son has come down to Florida to visit. More his friends than me, J but I am glad to see him. More than he knows.

There is an old song by Keith Green “Your Love Broke Through” and part of the words go-
“Like waking up from the longest dream, how real it seemed
Until your love broke through
I've been lost in a fantasy, that blinded me
Until your love broke through
All my life I've been searching for that crazy missing part
And with one touch, you just rolled away
The stone that held my heart
And now I see that the answer was as easy”

For me, since Carli’s passing, I have felt like I entered a dream. A collection of disjointed dreams. Where nothing is solid. Nothing is truly stationary. The meetings are random. The conversations ramblings. I could not tell you what is real or what has true meaning.
Those things that I held to be so sturdy, solid, dependable, I feel my feet slide over them, slipping on loose sand.


Dizzy
The walls around
will not hold in place
Circles
Round and round
Erratic
Up
Down
Back again
Blurred motion
Focusless
Grab something
Anything
But it is not just my eyes
The very earth
Is moving
Unsteady
Undependable
Joyless
Not the spin of a child
On the merry-go-round
No giggles
Or laughter
Instead
Nausea
Twisted knots
Stomach
To chest
Hurling
Wurling
Sick
afraid
Dizzy

When I allow time to think, I often have this sense of being in the wilderness, like Israel in the dessert. Just holding. Waiting. Not sure if this is where my story ends (I don’t think so), or if there is another chapter or chapters to be played out.
You don’t really find peace in the wilderness. You’re not really suppose to. Because there is always the unease of not being “home.”
But that said, you can acclimate. Adjust. Settle. Shed some things.
Maybe even grow.
Hopefully learn.
It’s funny, but when my daughter was sick I never felt like I was in the wilderness. Oh I was at times afraid. But I never felt lost.
Even by a hospital bed, her hospital bed, I felt like I was home.


Kevin

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

24 Years Ago Today

Seeing her this past weekend for my Uncles funeral was the first I have seen her since last Christmas.

She is her own person now. A woman. And has been for a while.

While dealing with Carli’s illness, Cassie’s needs got somewhat left behind. She started college without the normal parental presence and support a child should have.

And still she has become this amazing person. So determined to show how strong she is. Determined to be strong.

It is strange. This is what you want, your child to grow into an adult. For them to find their own strength and vision. Yet it also makes you ache and wish they were just your little girl for a little longer.

How I love this little girl, this young woman, my daughter.


Kevin


Another of my favorite pictures. When she was yet brand new to the world.


 Yes, I once had hair.

Another of my favorites.

This last weekend in NC at my Uncle Ben's funeral.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Another dream... 10-6-14

I know, it has been a while.

It is not that I am too busy. It is certainly not that I am not thinking of Carli or my other children. I can honestly say “every day.”  Can’t tell you how much I miss her. How much I miss all of my children.

I dreamed of Carli the other night.

You might think I dream of her all the time but I don’t. Not very often. This is probably good as each time I wake up and realize again she is not here is just too much.

This is part of the reason I no longer write about these things so much. I find that reflecting to deeply does not give me peace. It actually takes me somewhere dark, into ache and anger.  

But the other night I did dream of her. I think this is the first dream I’ve had in which Carli was not a little girl.

 In this dream we were in the hospital. She was laying there, eyes closed, and at first I was very fearful. But she open her eyes and gave me that infectious smile of her. She began talking about something, laughing. I turned on the TV and laid down beside her.

When Carli was in the hospital I would never lay beside her in the bed. The hospital beds are not very large (and I’m not the smallest guy), and I was always afraid to move Carli around for fear that it would hurt her. Edith though would lay down with Carli all the time. She was fearless with Carli and I’m so glad she was.

Carli of course would complain. But that never stopped Edith. Edith needed it. That closeness. To love on her. And Carli needed it too.

So do I.




Kevin


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Twenty Feet Away

Not twenty feet away. Directly in front of me. I sat there reading a book, completely unaware that a child had struggled for his life. That a child was now dead.
The news would state he was in critical condition later that evening, but I knew the truth. It was too late. It was too late even when he was pulled out of the water.
A medic and a nurse happened to be at the pool but it was no use. He had been in the water too long.
I would later hear the nurse share to someone that she had seen how distended his stomach was when lifted out of the water. That it indicated he had been under at least 5 to 10 minutes.
The hanging question of course is how it happened.
I was earlier in the exact same spot with my sisters, youngest daughter, niece and nephew. On my knees my head still easily cleared the water. The deepest spot in the pool was 5 feet and at this spot it was only 3 to 3½ feet.
Though the pool was not packed as reported there were at least thirty some people present.
Yet we all somehow missed him.
Truth is we will never know what happened.
I don’t re-account this to make anyone feel bad. I share this to simply state the obvious. Watch the kids. Not just your kids but your neighbors kids. It doesn't matter if their your responsibility. We are in this village together and have to watch out for each other.
As a father I can tell you, children are prone to make mistakes. Often costly mistakes. The real miracle of childhood is that we survive to adulthood.
Sadly, this last Father’s day we came up one miracle short.

Kevin



Thursday, April 10, 2014

Loud and Clear

Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.
                                                                                                John 4:24 (NIV)

Friday afternoon. The church was having a special service and I had been asked to help with the worship music.
But I had misjudged my time horribly. What was normally an hour trip was taking more than two. The issue was not distance but traffic. I sat in stopped traffic on the Gandy bridge. Stressed and going nowhere.
Not only was I going to be too late for practice, but even making it in time for the start of service was highly doubtful. And how I hate being late. Especially when people are depending on me.
“Lord, it’s in your hands. I prepared. But here I am.”
It wasn’t always like this. No, not the part about me hating to be late. I have always been like that.
I’m talking about worship. Or at least worship as we now know it. The band or choir. The Lead musician. Sound systems. Power points above everyone’s head.
Each week can seem more like a mini concert than true worship.
It can be rough on those leading the music as well. Often so much heart, soul and work going into trying to “pull” people into opening their hearts and emotions to come into a presence or experience of God. Disappointment when feeling a flatness, a deadness to the service, or when it just seems forced. 
No, it wasn’t always like this.
People didn’t always need the “trappings” or to be “pulled” into worship.
____
Years ago I saw this movie “China Cry” which is based on the true story of young woman’s experience during the rise of communist China in the 1950’s.  I won’t tell you the story in case you decide to see it (which I highly recommend). But there is this one beautiful scene. She has been taken in by this group of Christians. They gather together, sitting in a circle in a hidden courtyard to worship. But they can’t sing or even raise their voices above a whisper for fear of being caught, for being a Christian often carried a high cost of loss or even death.
Yet this does not stop them. The leader of the group whispers the hymn they are going to sing, then as one they close their eyes and just sing…
But with no words. You see their mouths singing words that are not spoken. And on their faces the love and adoration they give God.
Without a sound their worship thunders.
Not many stories or movie scenes have touched me so.
____
Finally I made it to the service. Every bit late. And there was just three of us to lead the music. The young lady who would lead the singing, myself on guitar and another sister who sings.
But it was all okay. Being a Hispanic church we were on Latin time which means nothing had started. Didn’t even need the music I had pulled together. The young lady who was leading the singing had thankfully already put together a list of songs she would like.  
The worship began. I played the guitar. And with eyes closed I worshiped. Didn’t worry about the congregation. Their worship is between them and God.
But as for me, even if I worship in silence, it would be loud and clear…

“About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. 26 Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone’s chains came loose.”
                                                                                                Acts 16:25-26

And who knows what may happen.


Kevin

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

4am

4am. Simply awake. And no I’m not a morning person.
That said I’m not feeling particularly stressed. After weeks of stress, depression, homesickness, then naturally getting sick, I’m finally at place where I feel like I can somewhat breathe.
But then, January and February have finally almost passed. The ongoing replay of Carli’s last weeks, her last day, is no so before me. It’s there. Always there. Just not so there.


Kevin

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

John 11

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.
“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.
 Jesus wept.
 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”  But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”
John 11:32-37


It is easy to guess. The shortest verse in the Bible, yet so deep with implications.
In light of the fact that Jesus was clearly there on a mission. (If you are not familiar with the event surrounding this text I encourage you to read the whole chapter.)
He specifically waited for the death of his friend to make it clear to all his power and divinity.
And he knew the great joy he was about to give Mary and Martha.
He held all the answers.
And yet… Jesus wept.
For me this odd verse is the one that gives me the most comfort if not hope.
It keeps me from hating him, the omnipotent one could have “…kept this man from dying.”
Or this daughter.
He wept, because we weep and will weep again.
Because even believing we don’t see the whole story. Just the dark part of it in which we walk.
And in our darkness we stumble and fall and are scared.
He wept for our fears and our confusion. Because he understands that we really don’t understand. That we confess but don’t always believe.
He wept because there is no other possible response when those you love suffer and hurt.
Love makes the pain your own.


Kevin