I know, it has been a while.
It is not that I am too busy. It is certainly not that I am not thinking of Carli or my other children. I can honestly say “every day.” Can’t tell you how much I miss her. How much I miss all of my children.
I dreamed of Carli the other night.
You might think I dream of her all the time but I don’t. Not very often. This is probably good as each time I wake up and realize again she is not here is just too much.
This is part of the reason I no longer write about these things so much. I find that reflecting to deeply does not give me peace. It actually takes me somewhere dark, into ache and anger.
But the other night I did dream of her. I think this is the first dream I’ve had in which Carli was not a little girl.
In this dream we were in the hospital. She was laying there, eyes closed, and at first I was very fearful. But she open her eyes and gave me that infectious smile of her. She began talking about something, laughing. I turned on the TV and laid down beside her.
When Carli was in the hospital I would never lay beside her in the bed. The hospital beds are not very large (and I’m not the smallest guy), and I was always afraid to move Carli around for fear that it would hurt her. Edith though would lay down with Carli all the time. She was fearless with Carli and I’m so glad she was.
Carli of course would complain. But that never stopped Edith. Edith needed it. That closeness. To love on her. And Carli needed it too.
So do I.